Love, love and love!

It seems everyone is into love.

Wants to be loved.

Is in love.

Is complete and fulfilled by love.

Is broken by love.

Is confused by love.

And wants to be loved again.

Me too! I’m all about love!

Ok, well it’s not 14th February (Valentino’s Day – as I like to call it) and maybe I should save this post for then (I’ll repost it then!) but I really want to get into this topic today as it’s not just a Valentino’s day thing but an everyday thing.

And in fact love is not actually or just about Valentino’s day – that’s just some crazy commercialised holiday – as are so many other holidays.

Today I’m not here to talk about love as in spoucy type or when you get married etc, but I’m going to talk about everyday love, eternal love, internal love and that love that is simmering within us 24/7.

This love is beyond marriage or children.

It is much, much more. It’s basic stuff really.

And in fact, it is practiced by each of us daily – albeit unconsciously at times.

And you know what – this love is pure.

It’s like the baby love – you know when a baby just wants to be loved by its parent and isn’t aware of anything other than pure mummy/daddy love.

I want to talk to you about this love today – which is deep within us – because this love can actually make us or break us.

And it does daily – depending on how we use it.

And, no, it’s got nothing to do with the opposite gender at all!

Confused?

Keep reading.

This post is about love in the context of personal and spiritual development of the individual.

According to Maslow love and belonging are third on the level of human needs (after physiological and safety needs are fulfilled).

Humans need to love and be loved and this need is particularly strong in childhood and any deficiency in it can affect us in our adult life.

And any deficiency in adult life can lead to loneliness, anxiety and depression.

God created us social being and to be part of a social network.

The Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) teaches us many different aspects of our social life – how to interact and deal in different social settings and to create successful social spheres.

Here’s the thing.

This is all awesome and brilliant – and I totally agree with it.

However, our childhood conditioning can lead us to seek love and focus on it more than doing anything else in life.

What I mean by this is – and I speak from personal experience and in fact it is something I have to also work on a lot in my life – we always want to seek approval from those who we love when we want to take a step into whatever it is we want to do.

This form of approval can be from anyone really.

Mostly it is family.

However if we have had childhood family issues then we seek it elsewhere.

Some reading this may disagree – but in my personal coaching and mentoring capacity and getting to know many people from across the globe I have noticed that we tend to seek approval even if it is from our boss and even if we act all ‘nothing hurts me – business is business!’.

Deep down inside we have a craving – we need to fulfill it – we need to belong! We are seeking love and trying to fill the ‘void’ within us.

Now when we seek constant approval from those we love and we don’t get it we start to self-sabotage our own dreams and life.

We don’t even realize that we do it – it seems so normal.

I want you to focus back on you today.

I want you to start loving yourself today.

I always say love and respect yourself if you want to be loved!

Love doesn’t cost a thing!

You don’t have to go out there and purchase a magic pill to love yourself.

It’s free!

And think about it for a moment – the love that you’re craving – whoever you’re craving it from – they are also craving it too!

Did you even know that?

Like wow!

So, I mean, here we are being selfish and wanting to be loved yet how much do we love the one we want to be loved by? Unconditionally?

This is no manipulation game!

This is no; ‘If you love me and I will love you’ or ‘If you’re there for me I will be there for you’.

No!

This is the pure love that comes from within.

It’s natural.

You just love – because you do.

No expectations.

Read that again.

NO EXPECTATAIONS.

The reason we are stuck where we are is because we are yearning to be loved and accepted and we want to hear it in words or feel it with love or tangible objects.

But that is not necessary at all.

Yes, it’s part of it.

But not the main part.

You know I have a very close relationship with my parents and siblings since childhood.

Whenever anyone asked me; ‘Do you love Abu more or Ami more’ I used to get confused and say both. ‘No, you have to choose one’, they used to say. And me? I used to start crying!

As I got older things changed.

Life changed.

Its’ supposed to – it’s natural!

And all I ever wanted was to ‘feel’ that love as I felt it as a child.

Every time I asked my parents; ‘What shall I study/work/do?’ they always replied with; ‘Do what you want and feel happy with!’.

Ok, which kid does not want to hear this and do what they feel, right?

But me? I thought they didn’t love me anymore.

I thought they were too busy for me.

But they weren’t.

They were always there for me – but had a different way of expressing it.

You know if my parents never said; ‘Do what you want and feel happy with’ then today I wouldn’t be who I am – at all!

Honestly!

But the crazy part is – I stopped loving myself!

I hated ME!

My own soul!

Like, what?!

Yes, I hated me – because I thought the ones I loved didn’t love me!

You feel me on this?

Ah man!

How wrong was I?!

And because of this, I didn’t take the steps I needed to in life.

I was never confident.

Actually, everyone thought I was confident.

But I wasn’t!

I faked it.

There – I confessed!

(But, it worked!).

It’s like I had to start from square one and love myself again.

Love myself enough to believe in me.

Love myself enough to love others without attachment.

They pure type – for the sake of Allah type.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “None of you truly believes (in Allah and in His religion) until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself” [Bukhari and Muslim]

It doesn’t cost anything to love your sister and brother in Islam or humanity.

How could we want bad things to happen to them? We don’t wish bad on ourselves.

If we follow this Hadith correctly then there would be no hatred in the world and we wouldn’t need to search for love here and there and we wouldn’t have attachment issues.

And in fact the only one we need to be attached to and ask of is our creator – our Allah.

“And yet there are some people, who replace Allah with rivals, loving them as Allah is loved. But the believers love Allah more intensely” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:165) 

When you develop deep love for Allah then you will love everyone unconditionally and you will be good to them and wish good for them without attachments.

You won’t need to worry about attachments or fall into them.

You will see that your family mean well and your siblings mean well.

You will see that those around you mean well.

Obviously I’m not talking about someone who has taken your rights off you and has deliberately hurt you physically or emotionally or those oppressive tyrants across the globe.

I’m praying that my tribe of followers have more knowledge and wisdom to think I’m condoning all that!

But what I am trying to say is that we need to move away from; ‘Oh I was attached again and he/she hurt me again’.

That is victim mentality – and no one wants to be there.

The only one allowing yourself to fall into that trap is you.

You’re scared of being alone, rejected, not wanted.

I know! I’ve been exactly there!

Understand who YOU are!

Understand why YOU feel the need to be loved and then fall into this scenario.

Mine was straight up – I was looking for that ‘support’ from my parents and when I didn’t get it (or understand their way of giving it) I looked elsewhere!

Wrong move!

Now – it’s all good.

Now I understand.

Now I know that everyone who comes into my life is for a reason.

Allah has sent them for a reason.

And if they have to go – Allah said so!

You don’t become bitter.

You don’t hate.

You just…be.

Love doesn’t cost a thing!

You don’t have to be selfish with it.

You don’t have to ‘astagferullah’ about it.

It is who we are and there’s plenty to go around the world.

Allah is the one we need to turn to at each point.

He (swt) is the one who helps us, guides us and heals us.

Don’t hate any one.

Everyone is on their journey.

You’re not the only one in this world and the world doesn’t owe you anything.

When you realise this you can actually start to heal your wounds. You can close previous chapters. You can forgive and leave them to God and move on. You are much stronger than you’re giving yourself credit. And this is not the time and place to be getting all humble and modest.

Think about it – others have moved on and getting on in life – so what about you?

Get to know yourself again.

Get to know God again.

This is deep stuff – I know – it doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s a start right?

Once you become aware of this and focus on the purpose why Allah created you and how limited your life truly is then you won’t waste it.

Attachments are all about a need which was not fulfilled and most likely from childhood.

Seriously.

Think about it and dig deep.

Where in your life does this issue come up and with whom?

I’m not talking about today – trust me – I’ve given you a direct example of my own life.

Once you realise this – work on it and understand the context then you’ll be able to move forward.

When it happened with me I went through this process also - with Allah.

I talked to Him (swt) and asked Him to show me the way.

You need to do this for yourself and do it now.

If not you’ll always be stuck.

You’ll misunderstand love.

Love is an emotion deep within.

Allah put it there.

Don’t fight it!

Don’t be bitter against love.

That’s wrong.

Will you hate everyone and everthing?

That’s what we end up doing really!

And if it does go down the haraam road then trust me it’s something you need to look into your life.

Wait till Allah makes it halaal for you!

Why is it that we become so attached to s/he and our parents become our enemies?

Where is this coming up in your life?

Work on it and heal it.

Maybe you’ve never seen it this way before.

I hope it truly helps.

As even when you’re married your love for Allah will be more – as you know that He is the one who gives and takes and He is our Creator.

He (swt) is not here to hurt us.

We hurt ourselves.

Love yourself again if you want others to love you.

Love Allah even more and watch the doors of goodness He (swt) opens up for you.

There are numerous verses in the Qur’an about love – and I could just quote them.

All things start with us – even going to brush our teeth!

If you want to make the most of this one life Allah has given you then now is the time.

I invite you to a world of love and happiness – which is already awaiting you now.

Action Points:

1. Reflect on your life and your relationships – where can you improve and what needs to be resolved. Get on to it.

2. Learn about Allah and our purpose. Learn about RasoolAllah and his mission.

3. What do you want from your life now and whose approval are you waiting for? Be real – to yourself – and now you know what steps to take insha’Allah.

Leave me a comment and let me know what you thought about this article.

Ever been worried silly about something that you pulled half your hair out and then everything was suddenly okay?!

That's what worrying can do sometimes - make us half bald!

And no one likes to be bald! 

Well, unless you're a male whose reading this then you might like the baldilocks looks but us females like a head full of hair!
Anyways... 

Worrying about something you have no control over is actually wasting the precious moments we have in life.

We need to start controlling our thoughts - if we control our thoughts we can change our state. 

Its pretty simple but we humans do like to make things difficult for ourselves.

Sometimes we worry about things way in the past like decades ago which have long gone yet we repeat them in our mind again and again. That's self-sabotage (and there's a post already written and dedicated to that - do have a read).

We worry out of fear - fear of the unknown - not knowing the outcome of something.

We may worry about the events in the future. 

Here's a clue - its the future - it hasn't happened yet, so why are you working yourself up for?

This kind of worrying only makes things worse and can have adverse affects on our health. Not to mention that a job you could do well you might end up doing pretty badly just because you built up all that unnecessary worry.

"Worrying is carrying tomorrow's load with today's strength - carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength." Corrie ten Boom 

Then there's the immediate type of worry - the hear and now - this moment - something that's just happened. 

But because we've already overloaded our mind with past worries and future worries we can't focus on the issue at hand and we get overly emotional and mess up! (Note: emotions are good if we learn to balance them).

So the question is; 'What are you worrying about?'

Is it the past which you now need to heal and lay to rest or is it the future which you need to prepare for?

Here's another clue - now is when you deal with both.

This moment is when you finally heal the past, lay it to rest and release it. And this moment is where you prepare and plan for the future - write a step by step action point list of what needs to be done (if its an event or something you are organising or working towards completing exams, assignments etc).

Are you still following me right here right in the now?

Good. Alhamdulilah.

Uthman Ibn Affan said: 

"Worrying about this duniya is a darkness in the heart and worrying about the akhirah is a light in the heart."

Would you like some heart therapy right now? Would you like some light to enter your heart right now?

God is Light! :)

*Take a deep breath in - hold - and breathe out. Do this three times - each time relaxing each muscle in your body from head to toe and releasing all worries. Let them fall away from you as leaves fall from the trees now. That's right. Be in the now. Feel your body being relaxed to the core and feel the calmness enter your soul. Allow and give permission for light to enter your heart now.*

Eyes open please. Thank you. (Well if you had your eyes closed that is). What's your favourite dish? Well, mines anything that tastes good, really ;)

Now here's a dua for you to read insha'Allah.

The Prophet (pbuh) said; 'Whoever is afflicted with grief and distress should recite the following dua'; "O Allah, I am your slave, the son of your slave. My forelock is in Your Hand. Your judgment of me is inescapable. Your trial of me is just. I am invoking You by all the names that You call Yourself, that You have taught to anyone in Your creation, that You have mentioned in Your Book, or that You have kept unknown. Let the Qur'an be delight of my heart, the light of my chest, the remover of my sadness and the pacifier of my worries." (Source: Musnad Ahmad # 1/391)

I know what you're thinking; 'Nadia - good stuff - however you don't know me, my life, my struggles, my worries or what I'm going through - easy said than done!'

OK, so I don't know you personally. But guess what? I'm also human who has human issues and human emotions and issues. 

I may not know or feel what you're personally worrying about but I've had my share of past worries, future worries and present worries. And what did they do? Rob me off my time and my 'this moment' and who was responsible for that? Yup, me!

The thing is, if we want to reduce our worries then we need to become responsible for our lives.

That's what I'm all about and that reflects in my work and the message I want to give to everyone.

If we want to make positive changes in our life then we have to take responsibility for our life. We can't go a life through blaming others. Enough is enough! You were created for greatness and you too can live your best life - if you give yourself permission and allow yourself to be you.

Worrying unnecessarily has never helped anyone in life but made things worse.

Are you ready to take action?

Yes? 

Excellent! Read on for today's tips and action points and insha'Allah you'll be soon saying; 'Why worry about it?' :)

(If no then please go back to the top and read this post again!)

"So do not lose heart nor fall into despair; for you must gain mastery if you are true in faith." {Qur'an 3:139)

Time to gain mastery over your life. Grab your journal and pencil/pen. Bismillah.

Tips and Action Points:

1. Identify your worries:

- Are they past, present or future?

- What exactly is it that is worrying you about that specific situation?

- Are these worries for real and have real immediate consequences or just thoughts you've thought up?

- What three steps can you take immediately to reduce and eliminate these worries now?

2. Dua and Visualise:

- Remember the dua and exercise we did five minutes ago (if you've already forgotten scroll up) - do that exercise again and recite that dua frequently and especially after your salah (prayers).

- Never miss your daily Salah, Qur'an, Dhikr, Tasbee (and dua). Don't let any excuse come between you and your ibaadah - your connection with your Creator - never! 

3. Check your Thoughts:

- How are you spending your time daily? (Especially your alone time). What are you thinking? How does it make you feel?

- If you answered in the negative then now is the time to change it into the positive. That's right. Now is the time to gain mastery over your thoughts insha'Allah.

- Get some new hobbies to occupy your free time. Get active in life. Start to journal your thoughts and to see if they actually have any real ground (usually they don't - they are just like weeds growing uncontrollably in your mind) and what steps you need to take to deal with them.

- Realise right now that you HAVE control over your thoughts. Your thoughts will determine your state, mood, body posture, emotions. As soon as you get the worrisome weedy thought snap yourself out of it. Try it now. You can do it. If I can then so can you!

Remember no one else is responsible for the weeds that grow in our mind except us.

No one said it would be easy and it won't be easy at the start. You may start and stop and even feel like giving up. The key is to never give up and to never lose hope in Allah's mercy and help.

Take action now and get rid off those worries insha'Allah.

Comment below and let me know your 'thoughts' on this post. Let's become an active community who helps each other. You never know who you might inspire and motivate with your words! :)