A Personal Reflection

...It's a shame really as i thought we were really close friends and our souls were connected - really understood from the depths - and even though i deleted the numbers and messages, i had to go through my emotions to get here today. Can't believe i read this message today. But my friend is no longer who my friend used to be. And yes i have tried to contact and email many times. No response. It's ok now. I'm ready to heal and move forward. I'm extremely sensitive by nature and i only have a very few close ones - and my friends are my family - so that's why it hurts so much. So even though people say get over it - i'll deal with my emotions and then i'll be ready to heal now.

Now I'm ready!

Hope this helps you on your friendship journeys too...

What lessons do you learn from this for your own life? 

Comment below and let me know insha'Allah! :)

Have you ever kept a secret from someone (parents, siblings, friends, spouse, authority)?

How did it make you feel?

Are you keeping a secret right now?

How does it make you feel?

Do you have that uneasy feeling inside? Like a gazilion butterflies in your tummy flapping their wings away, a sudden hot flush and rush in your body?

Yeah we've all been there (yes, me too!) And we've all kept a secret or currently keeping one.

But why do we torture ourselves like this and spend day in day out like we're guilty of a crime and too scared to get caught? 

Because we'll have to come clean and do the time?

Why can't we live happily without secrets?

Keeping secrets can be psychologically damaging for our soul - seriously! 

There are two types of secret-keeping. The Good and The Detrimental.

When does secret-keeping start?

Well, it starts at age 4/5 as we want to keep secrets from our parents - its a type of transition for human beings.

You know we as humans are always evolving and each age range signifies a specific growth period within us.

In adulthood secrets can become a powerhouse where they start controlling you rather than you controlling them!

Secrets could be due to shame, guilt and fear - for whatever has or is happening.

Again these are psychological that are torturing us from within and become controlling. Your every move could be determined by the secret.

Another type of 'secret- keeping' are those secrets that we keep from ourselves. This means not admitting to ourself why we have such feelings or why we do what we do. It becomes a vicious cycle and it leads to pain and hurt as well as ailments and illnesses. 

In these instances one would need professional help and one should seek it as its one of the ways forward insha'Allah.

Secrets could be kept by children - especially in cases of abuse - and if not dealt with in childhood can lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem and hiding behind a mask for many, many years.

It could lead to the abused becoming an abuser.

Keeping secrets could be kept by women and men suffering from domestic violence and the fear of others knowing. Again that vicious 'fear-shame-guilt' cycle.

This secret-keeping can also be detrimental in all your relationships. Your relationship with Allah, with your loved ones, with your colleagues. 

Your worship is affected. Your work is affected. You're always uneasy and just can't get those negative thoughts out of your head.

It can even make you severely depressed and stuck in further soul-hurting habits or make you bitter and competitive with anyone and everyone. I mean good competition is healthy in healthy bite size doses but competition where you always want to prove others wrong and become aggressive can also have deep, long term effects.

On the other hand there is a, what I call, 'good secret'. 

This is a type of 'trust' between two people or a group of people for something 'good'.

Abu Sa'id al-Khudri reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The worst of people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Rising is a man who goes to his wife or his wife goes to him and then he discloses her secret." [Muslim] 

From this hadith we can clearly see that if either spouse was to reveal the others secrets then it would destroy their relationship.

In this case it is good to keep the others secret - and remember the bond between two of you is sacred.

These secrets are an amanah - a trust and we must do our utmost to honour them insha'Allah.

As they say if it couldn't stay in your tummy for long and you had to tell someone then that other person will do the same!

*Breathe*

So we've established that there's different types of secrets and some can be seriously harmful.

What do we do about the harmful, detrimental ones and how do we move forward?

We have to move forward - we can't stay stuck in this mud forever!

Check out today's tips and points.

They are meant to be as a 'guidance' and not to be treated as any form of 'legal or medical' advice. In cases where you feel you need professional help then please do so as help is available.

Keep reading to find out more...

Tips an Action Points:

1. The first thing is to reflect. Are your secrets a 'good' type or the 'detrimental' type?

- If good then you know why you kept them - honour them!

- If not good and they make you feel scared and threatened then you need to seek professional help insha'Allah.

- Try and avoid secret-keeping situations - especially the detrimental ones and if it is safe for you to walk away from them (and you don't feel threatened) then walk away, please!

2. Taqwa - God Consciousness - being aware that God Almighty is watching our every move. If we keep secrets from our ownself then know that He (swt) knows - He (swt) knows what's in the breasts of men. Nothing is hidden from Him!

- We have two angels on each of our shoulders recording every word and action. Keep a secret if you will but they are writing away and we will be accountable for them on the Last Day.

"And indeed, [appointed] over you are keepers, noble and recording; they know whatever you do" {Al-Infitar; 10-12}.

- How do you want to face God on the Last Day?

- Are your secrets secretly eating your soul?

3. Get Creative! Depending upon your secret you could always journal about it and then burn it (if it is safe to do so). Or write them on a piece of paper and shred them or throw them away. Its a form of emotional release. 

- You could forgive the one who hurt your soul. And forgiveness is not to say that you condone their behaviour but a way for you to move forward. Think about it for a moment. They have long moved on and you're still suffering. Why? What purpose does it serve? Do you want to continue like this or finally be happy with you?

4. Its good to talk. If it is any form of abuse (that you're suffering as you read this) then seek professional help. Listen I know its scary but if you stay scared then you're hurting you even more. There's many organisations set up to help you and you can remain anonymous.

- If its way past when and its still eating up inside then again seek professional help. There's nothing wrong with speaking to a counsellor. They will help you move forward. Trust me, you owe it to your own soul.

5. Dua - Supplication - to the Creator. He created us and He listens to us. Don't underestimate the power of direct dua to Allah. Talk to Him and He (swt) will help you and show you the light.

Things happen in life. This life is a test and God does not burden a soul more than it can handle. There's a lesson to learn from it. The more angry or frustrated you get the more you're hurting yourself.

Keep a secret where it is for the good and it is a trust and you know God will be proud of you for it. But where a secret is causing you pain, grief, heartache, illness - please seek professional advice. 

Why live this life of pain when you can deal with it and finally move forward?

Look after yourself. Remember YOU'RE worth it! 

Oh and don't keep this post a secret - share it because it might just help someone out there insha'Allah :)

So as soon as I asked you; 'Who's your frenemy' I bet you started going through a mental list of all your friends who you also call enemies or backstabbers, or heart stabbers, or soul stabbers or you even got a mental picture of them and your face all squinted up and you started getting angry and your breathing got fast?

Or you started thinking; 'Am I a frenemy?' Or 'Do my friends think I'm a frenemy?'

Right?

Well stop! Because I'm not talking about your human friends here or you! 

Oh, and on a side note - betting is haraam! :)

So take a deep breath in - hold - and breathe out...relax... 

NOW you're ready for today's post - bismillah!

Today I'm going to talk about two best friends or best buddies who are in fact YOUR frenemies.

They act like YOUR friends - give you a bit of instant soul therapy but in reality all they are doing is making you fall deeper into the ditches of despair.

They may even give you the whole; 'So what, its my life, I do whatever I want' attitude and give you 'false' hope of there's nothing wrong and you're right.

Well today, insha'Allah, you're gona boot them out of your life once and for all because they DO NOT serve YOU but are only here to harm you!

Who are they?

Neglect and Guilt - Your Frenemies.

Take any situation in your life - ANY (if it is safe to do so) - what happens if you neglect to do whatever you were supposed to do? Yes, right, you feel guilty that you didn't do it. And then when you feel guilty, what happens? You fall into a ditch of despair. Your thoughts go crazy. You make mental images of what is, was, should be, will be. You start looking for excuses to back you up and you start making excuses. You continue and continue until you feel really low, depressed and give up.

It could also be about something that we shouldn't do and we did knowing that we shouldn't and once the act is done we feel guilty and now feel there is no way out!

Yet it could also be someone 'making' you feel neglectful about something through their words which makes you feel guilty about that situation.

Been there? 

We all have! And its a nasty place to be in!

Neglect and guilt cause a vicious cycle in our system. 

So when we become neglectful in our daily discipline (which could be in our ibaadah, work, study, habits etc) we become guilty - and guilt eats up the soul. 

Our conscious will start talking nonsense and those little green gremlins of negativity start telling us how bad we've been and start sneering at us.

Then our subconscious kicks in and brings in ALL of the previous issues we've been through in life and uses them to justify our current thinking which again makes us fall deeper and deeper!

Again its the same for something that we shouldn't do or have done. The same vicious cycle goes round and round making you feel like your a bad person and you feel trapped, alone and you think there is no way out.

Neglect and Guilt are best buddies - the more they work together the more they eat up our soul and the more deeper we fall.

The first thing we need to do to stop these frenemies ruining us is to recognise its happening. Once we do it becomes easier to apply a solution insha'Allah.

"Seek the life to come by means of what God granted you, but do not neglect your rightful share in this world." (Qur'an, 28:77)

Don't allow your thinking to eat you up because you are what YOU think you are.

You can't expect someone else to come and fix you up - you have to take those steps yourself.

You need to recognise if firstly it was neglect - whether it was intentional or unintentional or whether you just forgot.

And for each situation its going to be different. So take your situation, be rational and think which category it falls under.

Was it just plain laziness? Where you preoccupied with something else? Was there something else important at that time? Or did you know it was haraam? Is there something else happening deep in your soul so you're doing this act/behaviour (also known as self-sabotage).

When it comes to our ibaadah - our daily worship - the rule is simple. 

Plan your day around your prayers and don't plan your prayers around your day.

Nothing is more important than our prayers - they are compulsory and form a basis for our life on earth.

"Do not deliberately neglect to observe a prescribed prayer for he who neglects the prescribed prayer deliberately will become out of the protection of Allah." 
(Hadith - Ahmad)

We know that Allah (swt) is most merciful and that He (swt) is always there for us. We need His protection in all that we say and do. Even when we commit a sin we need to turn back to Allah for protection.

Check out today's tips and action points to help you make a fresh start in your life insha'Allah :)

Tips and Action Points:

a) Realise that positive change is a process - it takes time. Have you recognised it? Good! Now make a step by step plan and take one step at a time. If you fall again. Don't worry. Get back up again and start over. You get reward for that also. You're a human being and humans fall. Its ok to be human.

b) Tauba and istighfar. Do not overlook these - because these are your friends and they are a protection with Allah. These help you get real about your specific situation and help you make that fresh start insha'Allah and then remember to add in dua here - because dua is the weapon of the believer - do not be without it! Become a Dua-Samuri!

c) Talk to friends - get a coach/mentor/counsellor - basically its good to talk to a trusted and 'I've-also-been-there' human. Talk it out and make a plan together insha'Allah. Its important for the new process of change and you'll realise that you're not alone in this world - there's hope.

I hope this post helped you recognise your internal, psychological frenemies. They actually do more harm than you're human frenemies and once you work on your internal state the external will also start to become better insha'Allah.

This post is deep so please read it again and again. I've just covered the surface of it. If you need to seek further and professional help then please do so. Let this post be a reminder for us all insha'Allah.