So, as my daily personal development, I read a lot of  books and articles and listen to audios and podcasts.

Articles are from all those newsletters that I have signed up to - a teacher is ALWAYS a student - so I am constantly working on making myself a better human - so constantly learning.

I read eBooks I have online (on goes my laptop again) or books I have brought.

I am a crazy book lover!

These books also inspire and motivate me in my writings and help me share and teach personal development from an Islamic perspective.

One book which I am re-reading for the umpteenth time, which I highly recommend you buy, and which teaches me valuable lessons and enhances my psychology teachings and NLP training is 'Get Off YOUR "But"' by Sean Stephenson.

If you don't know who Sean is then please Google him and watch his YouTube channel - his story will put your own life into perspective - BIG TIME!

So anyways, I was on Chapter 5 where he talks about choosing our friends - or as he calls it our 'Pit Crew' and friends who are 'takers, drainers and destroyers'.

He also talks about us as someone else's pit crew.

I have written about this before but today I really wanted to look into this further - look at ourselves deeper than looking at our friends.

I could talk about these takers, drainers and destroyers - but honestly - just buy his book as he does an awesome job explaining it.

Today I am going to turn things around.

It's time to take an honest look inside of our own soul.

It's time for a PIT STOP!

............

Sometimes it is easy to look at others or as the topic in Sean's book 'our friends' and that is all good.

And as I mentioned he does talk about us - how we need to look at ourselves also as we form someone's pit crew too.

But let's be honest here - we all know that truth hurts - I know that for sure! I've felt it!

*Face - hand*

But the thing is, only by taking a serious look at ourselves can we truly better ourselves.

It is always easy to blame others.

I blame my cat all the time!

Ok, not always - she's a good girl!

In my work and especially on social media I always say that, 'we need to work on ourselves'.

Only by working on our challenges, issues, emotional blockages can we truly free ourselves from this shackle and negative psychological loop.

Take a deep breath in - hold - breathe out.

Ask yourself....

'Am I an Asset or a Liability?'

* Am I a good child, parent, friend, co-worker, human...?

* Are you working on bettering yourself daily and focusing inwards to see what work needs to be done or are you spending your time pointing fingers at others??

* Are you a taker, drainer or destroyer?

* Do you always take from people (money, time, energy, clothes) and never give in return?

* Do you always complain about what is wrong in your life and not working and how it is doomy gloomy everywhere - and drain your friends and basically bust their happy bubble?

* Or do you always put your friends down - especially when they are hurting or have a dream or ambition they want to fulfill - do you destroy their confidence or disrespect them in front of their loved ones?

I bet right now (betting is haraam!) that your stomach is churning, and you may even feel upset or angry!

Hey, listen, no one said this 'working on bettering myself' thing was going to be easy.

I've done the above exercises myself and oh boy did I get peeved, upset and angry and the almost '...but it was her....'

I've done this process too and continue to do so!

And my best-friend-soul-sistah is reading this so 'Nikki - I love you and you're the bestest ever!' :D

Anyways, we need to go through this process and when you book your VIP Day with me this is the type of process and exercise we will do - we look inwards and see where we can possibly change things and work to make ourselves better.

We need to become assets to the Ummah and humanity.

There are plenty of liabilities out there - just read the gossip columns or gossip magazine or your facebook feed!

....

Actually, skip that - it'll just depress you.

Bottom line for today - although we need to choose A* Players (friends) for our Pit Crew - we also need to be that A* Players (friends) for others Pit Crews.

“Be not friend with a fool, for he will harm you while meaning to do good to you.” (Anon)

There are so many verses from the Qur'an as well as ahaadith about friendship and companionship.

Here are just a few....

"Anyone who criticises you cares about your friendship. Anyone who makes light of your faults cares nothing about you.” Abu Dawud, Hasan Hadith

And...

“Mix with the noble people, you become one of them; and keep away from evil people to protect yourself from their evils.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

From the Qur'an...

“And (remember) the Day when the wrong-doer will bite his hands and say: Woe to me! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Woe to me! If only I had not taken so- and-so as a friend! He has led me astray from this Reminder (the Qur’an) after it had come to me. And Satan is ever a deserter to man in the hour of need.” (Al-Qur’an 25:27-29)

We all know this hadith...

“The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like that of the seller of musk, and the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows. So as for the seller of musk then either he will grant you some, or you buy some from him, or at least you enjoy a pleasant smell from him. As for the one who blows the blacksmith’s bellows then either he will burn your clothes or you will get an offensive smell from him.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Also from the Qur'an...

“Friends on that Day will be enemies one to another, except the righteous.” (Al-Qur’an 43:67)

And finally (although there are more and I know you want them - I'll let you research them and pop them in the comments below)...

“A person is likely to follow the faith of his friend, so look whom you befriend.” Abu Dawud and at-Tirmidi

Now, time for a Pit Stop and ask yourself; 'Am I an asset or a liability?'

Tips and Action Points:

1.  Grab your journal or notebook and on three separate pages draw a mind map and in the middle of each one write the words, 'Taker, Drainer and Destroyer'

2. Go through all your friends and in each mind map write down what you have taken, drained or destroyed from these friends - if you have - if you haven't that is OK.

3. Call up your friends (if you can and if they are still in your life) and make peace with them and apologise. If they are no longer in your life then read two rakah's nafl for forgiveness and make dua for them and ask Allah to bless them in this world and next.

4. After you have done this exercise for yourself - which I know is the hardest - but we have to do it to start being that good person we want to be - then do this exercise for your friends and see which friend is a taker, drainer and destroyer. You may need to spend less time with these friends or these friendships may be toxic and getting you into trouble so you'll have to bless them on their path and start fresh. 

Now, I know this is a tough cookie - however - we need to start taking full responsibility for our lives and actions and by doing this exercise it will help greatly. It has helped me a lot!

Comment below and let me know how this exercise went for you and to enquire about our VIP Days (Read more about VIP Days here)


Hmmm...the title of this blog post; 'PIT STOP! Are YOU an Asset or a Liability?' - sounds like a name for an upcoming book...what do you think? :D

So as soon as I asked you; 'Who's your frenemy' I bet you started going through a mental list of all your friends who you also call enemies or backstabbers, or heart stabbers, or soul stabbers or you even got a mental picture of them and your face all squinted up and you started getting angry and your breathing got fast?

Or you started thinking; 'Am I a frenemy?' Or 'Do my friends think I'm a frenemy?'

Right?

Well stop! Because I'm not talking about your human friends here or you! 

Oh, and on a side note - betting is haraam! :)

So take a deep breath in - hold - and breathe out...relax... 

NOW you're ready for today's post - bismillah!

Today I'm going to talk about two best friends or best buddies who are in fact YOUR frenemies.

They act like YOUR friends - give you a bit of instant soul therapy but in reality all they are doing is making you fall deeper into the ditches of despair.

They may even give you the whole; 'So what, its my life, I do whatever I want' attitude and give you 'false' hope of there's nothing wrong and you're right.

Well today, insha'Allah, you're gona boot them out of your life once and for all because they DO NOT serve YOU but are only here to harm you!

Who are they?

Neglect and Guilt - Your Frenemies.

Take any situation in your life - ANY (if it is safe to do so) - what happens if you neglect to do whatever you were supposed to do? Yes, right, you feel guilty that you didn't do it. And then when you feel guilty, what happens? You fall into a ditch of despair. Your thoughts go crazy. You make mental images of what is, was, should be, will be. You start looking for excuses to back you up and you start making excuses. You continue and continue until you feel really low, depressed and give up.

It could also be about something that we shouldn't do and we did knowing that we shouldn't and once the act is done we feel guilty and now feel there is no way out!

Yet it could also be someone 'making' you feel neglectful about something through their words which makes you feel guilty about that situation.

Been there? 

We all have! And its a nasty place to be in!

Neglect and guilt cause a vicious cycle in our system. 

So when we become neglectful in our daily discipline (which could be in our ibaadah, work, study, habits etc) we become guilty - and guilt eats up the soul. 

Our conscious will start talking nonsense and those little green gremlins of negativity start telling us how bad we've been and start sneering at us.

Then our subconscious kicks in and brings in ALL of the previous issues we've been through in life and uses them to justify our current thinking which again makes us fall deeper and deeper!

Again its the same for something that we shouldn't do or have done. The same vicious cycle goes round and round making you feel like your a bad person and you feel trapped, alone and you think there is no way out.

Neglect and Guilt are best buddies - the more they work together the more they eat up our soul and the more deeper we fall.

The first thing we need to do to stop these frenemies ruining us is to recognise its happening. Once we do it becomes easier to apply a solution insha'Allah.

"Seek the life to come by means of what God granted you, but do not neglect your rightful share in this world." (Qur'an, 28:77)

Don't allow your thinking to eat you up because you are what YOU think you are.

You can't expect someone else to come and fix you up - you have to take those steps yourself.

You need to recognise if firstly it was neglect - whether it was intentional or unintentional or whether you just forgot.

And for each situation its going to be different. So take your situation, be rational and think which category it falls under.

Was it just plain laziness? Where you preoccupied with something else? Was there something else important at that time? Or did you know it was haraam? Is there something else happening deep in your soul so you're doing this act/behaviour (also known as self-sabotage).

When it comes to our ibaadah - our daily worship - the rule is simple. 

Plan your day around your prayers and don't plan your prayers around your day.

Nothing is more important than our prayers - they are compulsory and form a basis for our life on earth.

"Do not deliberately neglect to observe a prescribed prayer for he who neglects the prescribed prayer deliberately will become out of the protection of Allah." 
(Hadith - Ahmad)

We know that Allah (swt) is most merciful and that He (swt) is always there for us. We need His protection in all that we say and do. Even when we commit a sin we need to turn back to Allah for protection.

Check out today's tips and action points to help you make a fresh start in your life insha'Allah :)

Tips and Action Points:

a) Realise that positive change is a process - it takes time. Have you recognised it? Good! Now make a step by step plan and take one step at a time. If you fall again. Don't worry. Get back up again and start over. You get reward for that also. You're a human being and humans fall. Its ok to be human.

b) Tauba and istighfar. Do not overlook these - because these are your friends and they are a protection with Allah. These help you get real about your specific situation and help you make that fresh start insha'Allah and then remember to add in dua here - because dua is the weapon of the believer - do not be without it! Become a Dua-Samuri!

c) Talk to friends - get a coach/mentor/counsellor - basically its good to talk to a trusted and 'I've-also-been-there' human. Talk it out and make a plan together insha'Allah. Its important for the new process of change and you'll realise that you're not alone in this world - there's hope.

I hope this post helped you recognise your internal, psychological frenemies. They actually do more harm than you're human frenemies and once you work on your internal state the external will also start to become better insha'Allah.

This post is deep so please read it again and again. I've just covered the surface of it. If you need to seek further and professional help then please do so. Let this post be a reminder for us all insha'Allah.

...Whose the fairest of them all?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs!

What a fairy tale, eh?!

I grew up on all these Disney fairy tales and all things Disney. I had the entire book collection and I guess Snow White was my favourite (as was Cinderella and Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty and you know the rest...).


But today's post is not about my childhood Disney love it's about...YOU.

I want to ask you a question.

Do YOU love yourself?

You do? Ok cool, excellent. So why do you love yourself?

And if you just said no then why don't you love yourself?

If you said something like, 'I love myself because I'm beautiful and everyone tells me I'm beautiful' - then I'm sorry to say so dear, that's not quite the answer I was looking for. (And there's nothing wrong with you being beautiful or someone telling you that you are beautiful - that's cool!)

If you said something like, 'I don't love myself because I'm _________ (insert self sabotaging words) and everyone says I'm ugly' then dearest you too, that's not what I wanted to hear.

See, the reason why I ask you this question is because I want to know what's your perception or definition of love for yourself or self-love.

So if someone tells you that you're beautiful is that the only reason to love yourself?

And if someone says you're ugly or YOU look in the mirror and 'see' ugly because of x, y, z feature which is not what you want then is that really a reason not to love yourself?

What do YOU see when you look in the mirror?

And why are you waiting for someone else's validation of you?

Did your fellow being create you?

*Just checking!*

Ok, so I know, I know - don't scream at me or the screen - its nice when someone acknowledges us and tells us we are beautiful because it really lifts us up - high in the sky.

But this high is not a forever high!

"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself." Thich Nhat

Take the story of the queen in Snow White. When she asked the mirror who the fairest one was the jeany beany in the mirror was forced to say 'You Oh Queen' (or something like that - I haven't watched or read Snow White in decades) and then the queen was happy. She had to be validated by someone (or something) to accept herself.

But as soon as Snow White stepped up onto the scene it was a whole different ball game!

We spend too much of our valuable time looking for validation from others.

Yes both females and males!

Yet we don't really accept ourselves.

Its only when we finally accept ourselves with all our flaws and warts and whatever is when we finally become liberated or free.

"You say that you are just a body, but inside of you is something greater than the Universe." Imam Shafi (rahimullah)

I know I've quoted this quote many times in the posts before but honestly it really touches me to the core...deeply.

And you know I'm all about 'Soulful Therapy'.

We spend all that time caring and looking after our external selves that we forget our internalness.

The queen in Snow White may have been 'beautiful' on the outside but on the inside she was EVIL, NASTY and MEAN!

(She was nasty...!)

Allah (swt) does not look towards our bodies, nor towards our appearances but towards our heart. (Hadith Muslim)

The thing is that - even though Allah (swt) created our bodies and our beauty - our external - what He (swt) is looking at is our internal state - our heart - and then our deeds.

I say heart first because we know (Islam teaches us) that actions come from intentions. And so where are our intentions formed? Yes, exactly - internal - the heart!

We can pretend as much as we want and fool as many as we want to but God knows our internal state - He (swt) knows the state of our hearts.

Let's fix up now insha'Allah.

On the other hand we have the issue where we want others to love us yet we fail to love ourselves!

Why?

Its not arrogance to love oneself but its about accepting YOU as you ARE!

Stop hurting your own self and not loving yourself. You have to love yourself first to love others.

Its the only way!

Otherwise you'll spend a life of sadness, misery and always looking for validation.

The next person who is always validating you has their own issues to deal with.

Enough is enough!

Time to love ourselves again.

Starting right NOW!

Give yourself permission - it is ok and safe to do so - and bismillah.

Tips and Action Points:

1. Take a deep breath in, hold and on the exhale release all negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself (or what others have said about you).

---> Do this three times until you're in a relaxed state.

---> Feel that burden being lifted off from you and feel all the negativity fall away like leaves fall from the trees on a windy day.

2. Write down all the negative words which are hurtful and others have said and then trash it in the bin!

---> Take another three deep breaths and this time inhale and exhale both happy and positive words that YOU would use to describe YOU.

---> Write down a positive and true statement about yourself.

---> And YES there is a positive statement about you!

---> Remember before you began this task you gave yourself permission?

---> Write something like; 'I give myself permission to love myself and truly be me as God Almighty has created me in the best form to worship Him firstly and then achieve both greatness and goodness and I love myself alhamdulilah'. 

3. Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

---> Go to your favourite mirror in the house (yes the one that you have your imaginary conversations with about everything!).

---> Take your positive written. statement about yourself with you.

---> Before you look into the mirror say 'bismillah' and read the dua for looking into the mirror.

اللَّهُمَّ أَنْتَ حَسَّنْتَ خَلْقِي فَحَسِّنْ خُلُقِي

Allahumma anta hasanta khalqi fahassin khuluqi

"O Allah, just as you have made my external features beautiful, make my character beautiful as well."

(Kul: 'Ameen!')

---> Then look into your eyes - hold your gaze and accept yourself! 

Read your positive statement three times whilst holding your gaze.

---> Do this exercise once every day for the next seven days and see what happens insha'Allah.

Once you get the confidence you can add to your statement or even look at your features and each time give thanks to Allah for creating you in the best form.

Next time you can hold your gaze and give thanks for all the skills and abilities Allah has blessed you with.

And the time after that you can be thankful for all that He (swt) has allowed you to be, do and have.

The purpose is to become confident within and to accept who you are.

There is something special and unique about YOU that God has created in YOU. 

Let me know how this exercise goes for you insha'Allah. 

Leave me comment and please share this post with everyone. I know this will help at least one soul you share it with. 

This exercise may be well out of your comfort zone or a little scary at first - I hear you - but if you don't try, you won't know.

And remember, if you don't love yourself, then don't expect someone else to! Love YOU first! :)

They are on the increase - you can find them almost everywhere - I mean EVERYWHERE!

Just turn the corner, and there! Ready to make their move! They are on the increase - I warn you! Across the globe this phenomenon is increasing - in masses - not like, you know, one or two - but a mass movement!

Beware of these Assassins!

OK, so who am I talking about and what is this new mass movement and should you be worried?!

Well yes YOU should be worried!

In fact we should all be alert - because anyone can fall victim to these assassins - I did – many years ago and I did again TODAY! 

OMG!

Who are they?

Usually someone who knows you - close friends, family and relatives. Could also be colleagues or random souls - could be YOU!

Listen Up! - It’s not like your usual assassination - well I mean I wasn't going to blog about politicians being assassinated - you have the media to keep you informed about that - I'm a personal development blogger!

They are ‘Character Assassinators!’

Character Assassination (and yes this term actually exists - Google it) - is the act of tarnishing someone’s reputation through verbal abuse, slander, vicious and malicious lies. Sometimes it happens because of a misunderstanding - like gossip or hearsay. But sometimes it happens because some people have evil intent - and they are feeding the evil of their own nafs (souls).

“O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” {Surah Al-Hujurat, 49:12}

And...

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) once asked: "Do you know what backbiting is?" His companions replied: "Allah and His Messenger know best." He (pbuh) then said: "It is to say something about your brother that he would dislike." Someone asked: "But what if what is said is true?" The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) replied: "If what you say about him is true, then you have backbitten him, but if it is not true then you have slandered him." [Muslim]

Judging someone’s character is wrong - morally and religiously and if someone has a point to make then bring forth evidence. Also if we want to give nasiha to someone - advice - the best practise is to do it in private.

The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said, "Religion (dîn) is sincerity (nasiha) (corrective advice, good counsel and sincere conduct). The dîn is nasiha. The dîn is nasiha." They asked, "To whom, Messenger of Allah?" He said, "To Allah and His Book and His Messenger and the Imams (leaders) of the Muslims and the common people." (Hadith Muslim)

I am blogging about this today because as I said above it is something I have personally been through this many times in my life (no I'm not looking for sympathy of any sort - far from it - I'm doing my duty in making you aware of certain evils out there) and its extremely painful - especially when it comes from someone very close to you. But the funny thing is that it actually happened again – earlier today – and I had already scheduled to write about this topic a week ago!

If there has been a misunderstanding - then talk about it, discuss it, do it in a proper manner with proper etiquette's - not just jump in the deep end and start accusing and judging their character.

That is very wrong - the religion of Islam does not allow such assassinations - well in fact it doesn't allow assassinations full stop!

The tongue is a very powerful tool - it can make or break - and it can cut deep - leaving wounds which may never heal again.

“Let not your tongue cease to be moist with the remembrance of Allah, mighty is He and majestic.” (Hadith Tirmidhi, Ahmad). 

Not everyone in this world has the support I have - I am truly blessed - not everyone is confident enough to shine through - pick oneself up, reflect and become stronger (for many reasons and I was once like this myself). We are all different. Just imagine - when we say 'you look beautiful today' - the smile on that persons face - they are instantly uplifted - and if we say 'you look so ugly' - it can instantly send someone straight to the dumps and yes those were just basic daily examples - you can think of your own (I'm sure you all have many examples to add).

Our purpose on this planet is not to hurt anyone - we are created to worship the Creator - do good and spread good. Let’s not forget our biggest enemy - the one who has vowed to lead us astray - all he has to do is whisper - and we can slip...

Character Assassination - it’s on the increase! Please be aware of it and protect yourselves. And if you fall prey to these assassins then remember 'truly to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return' - these assassins will have to account for their actions and words. To tarnish someone’s reputation and slander them is a big sin - to hurt your brothers and sisters in Islam and humanity is a sin - you don't look cool and that! You look plain nasty!

If you have been a victim then fear not there is hope - you will get through it - you will be OK - call on your Lord and He is there for you!

(See also today’s tips and action points)

If you're a character assassin yourself [REFLECTION MOMENT] and this has become your new full time job - then beware of the fire - whose fuel is men and stones - beware of the Day when you will also be judged and your character will be displayed in front of the whole mankind! (The Day when we all want our bad deeds to be hidden!) Change your ways - there is still time - don't become a blind follower of the devil - he's not your friend - his only mission is to lead you, me and us to the fire of hell...

Beware of these Assassins!....

Tips and Action Points:

1. Keep yourself protected through daily Salah, Qur’an, Dhikr and Duas.

2. Make sure you read the daily morning and evening adhkaars – these keep us protected

3. Stay in wudhu as much as possible.

4. Sleep in wudhu – read duas, spit in hands, wipe over body and sleep on right side (Rasool Allah used to do this – it’s sunnah).

5. Check yourself before you wreck yourself: Are YOU the assassin? We have all said and done wrong in life – even me – so now is the time to make amends insha’Allah. Reflect on your life – your friends and connections – your dealings with your loved ones – see whether you may say something hurtful – could be unintentional – so it’s always good for us to reflect – always!

6. Keep yourself busy with deen – ibaadah – as well as your daily life – whether that is studies or work – keep busy in the sense that you don’t waste valuable time in talking nonsense or falling into the trap.

7. Remember we are all human – yes me too! – and so as humans we make mistakes – so reflect, ponder, check yourself, fix yourself – whether you are the victim or the assassin – we still have to work on us – let’s not worry about the other and work on becoming the better version of us insha’Allah.